The light

Dear Olivia Marie,
 
Can you see it?
 
It's there in the distance.
 
It's a little closer today than it was yesterday.
 
It's the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
You see for a little over two years now, you have demanded requested my presence for every.single.thing you've done. This has involved me following you, carrying you, piggybacking you, sitting with you, playing with you for two solid years. You are now able to cutely request that I "hold you me" or "show me mommy", which is preferable to the fussing sound you used to make. However, two years is a bit of a stretch for the constantness with which you have wanted me next to you.

But this morning.....

This morning you asked for water. I explained that your water cup was in your bedroom and that you should go get it. AND YOU DID. Without asking me to come with you! Without asking me to "show me mommy"! Without fussing because the light was off. Without asking me to assist in any form or fashion. You just looked at me, said "Ok, mommy", went into your room and brought your cup out and said "I found my water."

It's the littlest things that remind me that this uberdependant stage is passing and before I know it, you'll be far less interested in what I'm doing and far less interested in having me tag along with you.
When that day comes, I'm certain that I'll miss your little voice asking me to "come with me, mommy." I'm equally certain that I'll enjoy listening to you play by yourself in your room while I get ready for work in the morning, instead of asking you to please stop standing on my feet while I'm drying my hair.

That light is getting closer. But for now, I'll get back to enjoying the ride through the tunnel, even though some of the tiles are dirty. It really is a miraculous feat of engineering.

Love, Mommy

Snowed in (aka: Baby stuff is boring)

Dear Olivia Marie,

You have changed me as a person in many ways- physically, emotionally, and mentally (weaning off the anxiety meds as we speak). However, you have not altered who I am cognitively....and for that reason this has been a rough stretch of time because we’ve been snowed in for two weeks. You are too little to build a snowman (cue the Frozen soundtrack) so we haven’t been able to really enjoy the flakes.

So we have stayed inside the house playing with your toys (and other non-toy items you come across).

I take great pleasure in watching you play, master new tasks, show curiosity at every new thing and explore the world, but at the same time I have trouble get past my own boredom at repeatedly labeling the people in the family pictures you like, stacking the plastic colored rings, and giving piggyback rides every 3 minutes.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night thinking you should have at least a few hours of sleep left, but when you look at the clock there’s only 10 minutes until the alarm goes off? Of course you don’t yet, but you will......It’s a feeling of your stomach sinking a little. That’s the same feeling I got yesterday when I realized we were only on the Lion page of Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?  while reading it for the third time back to back. There are still 8 freaking animals left?!?! Ugh. But, I plowed ahead and you loved it. And I love you, so if that’s what you want to read again today, I’ll do it.  But I will be bored.

Now don’t get me wrong- YOU are not boring and I’m not wishing away this part of your life, but I am looking forward to the time when your preferred activities are a little more stimulating for yours truly. Maybe you will be into boy bands......that would be fun.  But for today, I will choose to embrace this moment of monotony by building yet another Lego tower for you to take apart. You are imitating your dad by groaning every time you bend down to pick up blocks that fall, and that’s flipping hilarious. 

Gifts of 2014

The holidays are over! It's a relief in a way...no more anxiety inducing family events, no more budgeting for gifts that we are obligated to purchase, no more big dinners full of carbs and sugar, no more singing along to the creepiest of all holiday tunes: Baby It's Cold Outside (If you have to ask your date "What's in this drink?", it's probably a red flag & you should head home to where your father is pacing the floor) 

My little family of three was blessed to have received many thoughtful and generous gifts for Christmas. While we are very thankful for those tangible and useful items, I have been thinking about some of the other gifts we were given throughout this year. Gifts in the form of advice, time, thoughtfulness, etc have really been life-changing. We all made it through 2014 because of the following:

1) Maternity and Paternity Leave

2) The End of Maternity Leave

3) EAP services

4) The Sleepeasy Solution

5) Support from family and friends

Chris and I waited a long time to have a child. (Reasons will be discussed in a future post) Because of this, we both had a large amount of paid sick leave built up and were able to be at home with our newborn for a while without the stress of financial hardship on top of everything else. Chris was home for a month and I was home for 3 months with our pink bundle of poop, pee, & spit up joy. It was plenty of time for bonding and we eventually settled into a bit of a routine. The time allowed breastfeeding to become a natural process for both of us and there was an easy transition to pumping and bottle-feeding before our uninterrupted time together ended.  That is a season in our lives that we will never have back, and I am grateful for the gift of those three months. 

On the final night of maternity leave, I popped a bottle of bubbly (don't worry, I researched the allowed amount of alcohol for a breastfeeding mother before I drank it) and the next morning I went to work with a spring in my step. We were very blessed with our childcare situation and I had absolutely no worries about leaving my girl for 8 hours. Yes, I cried the first two days if anyone mentioned "how hard it must have been to leave", but it was more that I missed my baby and not because I was sad to be at work. I felt (and still feel) no guilt for not being a "SAHM". My job is one of the only ways I maintain a halfway decent level of sanity. The change in scenery, the use of my brain for something other than my child, and the adult interaction with my co-workers/friends is so important for my health and happiness. Being a teacher makes me a much better parent. Quality over quantity I say! Plus my schedule still allows me a whole lot of quantity....

During maternity leave, I was not at the top of my game. I thought for a while that I was feeling blue and listless because I was sleep deprived and having trouble adjusting to motherhood, or perhaps it was because of the cold weather and being stuck inside most of the time. But after I returned to work and the weather warmed up, I realized that I was starting to feel worse. Thankfully, Chris made a few calls and found out that I could take advantage of the EAP services through our insurance. I was able to have 6 completely free therapy sessions through which I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Treatment through meds and therapy was the ticket, I am feeling much better at the end of 2014.

Olivia did not sleep well for the first 9 months of 2014. Naps and night were difficult for us all. We had to hold her for all of her naps.... yes, she would only sleep in our arms, for 45 minutes at a time. At night she woke up to eat every few hours, and in between feedings if her pacifier fell out, we had a few seconds to pop it back in before she woke up. We tried many techniques and found a few solutions, but nothing made a huge impact on the amount of sleep we were all getting or on her cranky mood. Thankfully, one of my friends suggested I try reading and applying the rules in the book The Sleepeasy Solution. That suggestion changed our lives! The first day of summer break, we began the program and within a week, we were able to lay Olivia down in her crib without any fuss and she slept for her naps and night....just like the book promised!! I still had to feed her a couple of times during the night until the end of September because of her size, but not anymore! She is now a great napper and sleeps for around 11 hours at night. 

I know that in the grand scheme of things, the struggles I experienced this year were not that bad. I didn't experience any tragic losses, no major health issues, or insecurities with employment. It could have been way worse. I am aware of all of that. Still, many of my days were dark and this was a hard year. A countless number of my moments were made better by the love and support of my incredible husband, who never complained about his shell of a wife and took the steps required to get the help I needed. My awesome mom left her vacation in OBX to come take care of me when I called her in the middle of an anxiety attack and later helped get me through many potential ones over the phone. Others shared their own stories of how tough the transition to motherhood was for them, and just knowing that I wasn't alone helped get me through to the other side. The love and support from my family and friends are true gifts that can never be repaid, but I will re-gift them if the opportunities ever come up. 

I am feeling optimistic for 2015. I hope that you are as well. Tonight I will pop another bottle of bubbly....and this time I can drink as much as I darn well please! Happy New Year! 

Here we are during the first month of 2014!

Here we are during the last month of 2014!

The last page in the baby book

I have been a fairly consistent an occasional updater of the baby book. The main points have been filled in, mostly because I haven't had to do the page on teething or hair cuts, so the load was lighter. After carefully taping the pictures from her cake smash party in the appropriate section, I turned the page and came to the final part of the book with the heading A Letter to Your Child, followed by several lines in which to write anything that comes to mind. Talk about pressure! Is 3/4 of an 8x10 piece of paper enough to tell her everything I have to say?  I could write about my hopes and dreams for her future. I could write about the attributes I dream she possesses. I could write about the first year of her life. It was just too much, so I closed the book and walked away. It has popped into my mind several times over the last few days. Honestly, I could never write down everything I hope for her. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided that I could sum up very briefly what I want for her: 
Be happy. Be kind. Be appreciative. Don't be a ho. 
But since this is going into the baby book, it should be fluffier than that. So, this is what I wrote:

Dear Olivia Marie,
You are my favorite person, other than your dad. Being your mother is my greatest adventure, one with twists and turns popping up just when I set the cruise. You are loved- unconditionally by me, purely by your father, intensely by your grandparents.  I can't wait to watch your personality develop, to hear your thoughts and observations on the world around you, to hear the sound of your voice when you sing your favorite songs in the car. You are still in many ways a stranger, but I have never known anyone quite as well as I know you.  
My job is to nurture you, provide for you, and prepare you to be a contributing member of society. In order to do this, you will be given discipline instead of bail outs. There will be times you don't like me much. Sorry, not sorry. 
Remember that your brain is not fully developed until you are 25, so try to refrain from permanent decisions (husband, tattoos, babies, etc) until after that time. Your decisions will affect me, because your health and happiness affect me. When major forks pop up in the road, use your gut to make the call on the direction you take. Your instinct is a gift and it's usually right. 
I pray you give love to and accept love from yourself, friends, family, animals and, one day when you are old enough, your soul mate (who I do believe exists). 
Mistakes will happen. Many of them have the potential for life-altering consequences that don't appear positive, but it's not the end of the world. You can always recover if you choose to. You will probably hear that "everything happens for a reason". I'm not sure that I believe this, but I do believe that sucky stuff happens & you can choose to respond to it in a positive way (after allowing yourself to be angry about it for a little while). 
While I am writing this, you are a toddler asleep in your crib. I know that the time I have to raise you will go quickly even though many of the days will seem long. Even in the hardest of times, I will always be happy in the deepest part of my soul that you are part of my life. 
I love you,
Mommy

And yes, it was too long!