Just a lovely fall walk.....

Dear Olivia Marie,

We took a walk this evening. You wanted to play in the backyard and not take a walk, so the compromise was that you could walk beside me pushing your baby in the toy stroller while I pushed your car in case you wanted to ride if you got tired of walking. Some compromises are worth making. This one...not so much.

You stopped walking every few feet,

To adjust the baby doll.... I reminded myself that the point of the walk is to get out of the house and enjoy the evening (turns out that it’s not an enjoyable evening......it’s still hot, humid, and there are mosquitoes.)

To put the baby doll in the car..... I reminded myself that the walk is about the journey and not the destination.

To pick up a stick.....I reminded myself that you are still young enough to find joy in things like sticks in the street and that I should savor every moment because you are growing up quickly.

To look at a crack in the cement.......I reminded myself that there are lessons I could learn as an adult from watching your innocence and wonder in the small details that I don’t even notice anymore.

To look at the Halloween decor a neighbor put out (way too early, btw)....I reminded myself that I am thankful to live in a safe, nice area where we can take a worry-free walk around the block.

To strap the baby doll in.....I reminded myself that this slow a*$ walk is still more exercise than sitting and watching tv.

To count the pumpkins on the neighbor’s porch.....I reminded myself that deep breaths can help calm my mind when I feel anxiety starting to creep up.

To literally stop and smell the flowers.....I reminded myself that this walk is not going to burn any calories and I really want a glass of wine when you go to bed.

To get in the car and then out of the car.....I reminded myself that losing my mind is not a helpful experience for you, myself, or the people sitting on the porch across the street.

To....oh no, I lost it. Now you are crying and I feel bad. Maybe pointing out the airplane or the squirrel will distract you from lamenting your fortune of having me as a mother. When we get home I’ll make those frozen chicken nuggets again and continue this thing called motherhood like a real champ.

I’ll do better tomorrow.....fingers crossed.

Love,

Mommy

Equipment dilemma

Dear Olivia Marie,

I’m having a bit of trouble. I am physically unable to remove the changing pad that has been on your dresser for nearly three years. It’s not heavy or stuck to the top.....it’s just that I can’t take it down. My arms just won’t do it and my heart can’t handle the weight.

Your dresser drawer that used to hold the diapers, wipes, and butt paste  (yes, that’s the actual name of the product.....it’s a must have by the way) is now filled with Frozen and Peppa Pig undies. But I can’t take your changing pad off of the top of your dresser. We haven’t used it for months, and it’s really in the way. It’s time to replace it with a container to store your hair clips and maybe a little lamp.

All of your other baby items were replaced without much sadness and sometimes even with excitement....the highchair was replaced with a booster seat, your infant car seat is now a convertible front-facing ride, your swing is at your baby cousin's house, and where your pack in play was now stands a tot-sized table and chairs for coloring and Playdoh. None of those changes in "equipment" caused me pause...you outgrew them and they were removed, simple enough.  But this is the last baby thing in the house.

I remember walking into your nursery when we were waiting for you to arrive. I would take out the newborn clothes and imagine placing you on the changing pad and getting you dressed in the tiny outfits we chose. I remember taking out the first newborn diaper we got from a freebie bag at the doctor's office & just laughing because it was so small. And then you were there, actually there, lying on the changing pad and those times we had imagined were happening. That changing pad was a good indicator of every growth spurt as your little legs eventually extended past the edge and onto the dresser.  And then one day, instead of carrying you and lying you down on it while I dried you off after your bath, you asked to walk to your room. You held the edge of your towel and walked down the hallway while I followed. You sat on the bed and put your pajamas on by yourself while I just watched, trying not to provide too much help. Suddenly, the days of dressing you and changing you on that sacred spot were gone. It now just takes up space in your room. It’s time to let you have it as a toy for changing your baby dolls’ diapers. You are still in many ways a baby.....but not in this way any longer.

I guess I’ll go move it now......and then we can go pick out that lamp.

Love,

Mommy

Mothers- Real Role Models

Dear Olivia Marie,

It's Mother's Day and it's safe to say that in my brief time of mothering an easy(ish) only child, I do not have the wisdom nor experience to sum up what it means to be a mom in one lovely paragraph. But I have decided that being a mom for me can currently best be described as joyous agony. The pure love I feel for you is so heavy sometimes it hurts. I read a quote once that described having a child is to have your heart walking around on the outside of your body. That's true. Part of this weight of motherhood is the concern that as you grow up, you won't see yourself the way I see you. That you will look outside of yourself for role models and set yourself up for failure as you try to emulate a false perfection seen in celebrities. We all do it as young girls and it doesn't do us any good. 

In the spirit of Mother's Day, here is a little bit of information about who you are and where you come from. 

This is your NeNe. She raised three boys who are all very respectable men and responsible fathers. Your own daddy is such a great man because of this beautiful woman. She has an incredibly sweet spirit and loves her family like crazy. She knows what it means to sacrifice, to work hard for little money, and how to forgive. 

"NeNe" Donna

This is your DeeDee. She has the spirit of a mother and chose to use that spirit to care for her own mother when she became ill at far too young of an age. DeeDee stepped up to be a mother for her own. The love, care, and concern that mothers have for their children pours from her heart onto you and your aunts and uncles. 

"DeeDee" Dottie

This is your Grana. She raised five children and is an example of how motherhood doesn't end once the babies are grown. She is patient, loving, long-suffering, and a great story teller. She knows heartbreak and how to rise above it and become stronger and happier from the struggle. Your Grana believes that faith can get you through anything.....and it's a little difficult to disagree with her based on her track record of praying for things and then getting results. (For example, you exist) 

"Grana" Dana

You are also fortunate to have many great-grandmas. All of these women have worked hard to help support their families, lived through times of struggle and peace, and raised the people who raised the people who are raising you. 

Grandma Great Sandra

Great Grandma Bradley

                                                      

Grandma Great Betty

     

Great Grandma Jo

So you see, you don't need to look to outside sources for role models. When you look in the mirror, these are the women who shine through your eyes. These are women with strength, intelligence, love, patience, beauty inside and out, and you have their qualities within you. Realize that although you don't come from wealth and fame, you come from truth and faith and mothers who have, through their imperfections, lived lives of purpose. That's something to emulate. 

Love, 

Mommy 

                       

The light

Dear Olivia Marie,
 
Can you see it?
 
It's there in the distance.
 
It's a little closer today than it was yesterday.
 
It's the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
You see for a little over two years now, you have demanded requested my presence for every.single.thing you've done. This has involved me following you, carrying you, piggybacking you, sitting with you, playing with you for two solid years. You are now able to cutely request that I "hold you me" or "show me mommy", which is preferable to the fussing sound you used to make. However, two years is a bit of a stretch for the constantness with which you have wanted me next to you.

But this morning.....

This morning you asked for water. I explained that your water cup was in your bedroom and that you should go get it. AND YOU DID. Without asking me to come with you! Without asking me to "show me mommy"! Without fussing because the light was off. Without asking me to assist in any form or fashion. You just looked at me, said "Ok, mommy", went into your room and brought your cup out and said "I found my water."

It's the littlest things that remind me that this uberdependant stage is passing and before I know it, you'll be far less interested in what I'm doing and far less interested in having me tag along with you.
When that day comes, I'm certain that I'll miss your little voice asking me to "come with me, mommy." I'm equally certain that I'll enjoy listening to you play by yourself in your room while I get ready for work in the morning, instead of asking you to please stop standing on my feet while I'm drying my hair.

That light is getting closer. But for now, I'll get back to enjoying the ride through the tunnel, even though some of the tiles are dirty. It really is a miraculous feat of engineering.

Love, Mommy

Snowed in (aka: Baby stuff is boring)

Dear Olivia Marie,

You have changed me as a person in many ways- physically, emotionally, and mentally (weaning off the anxiety meds as we speak). However, you have not altered who I am cognitively....and for that reason this has been a rough stretch of time because we’ve been snowed in for two weeks. You are too little to build a snowman (cue the Frozen soundtrack) so we haven’t been able to really enjoy the flakes.

So we have stayed inside the house playing with your toys (and other non-toy items you come across).

I take great pleasure in watching you play, master new tasks, show curiosity at every new thing and explore the world, but at the same time I have trouble get past my own boredom at repeatedly labeling the people in the family pictures you like, stacking the plastic colored rings, and giving piggyback rides every 3 minutes.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night thinking you should have at least a few hours of sleep left, but when you look at the clock there’s only 10 minutes until the alarm goes off? Of course you don’t yet, but you will......It’s a feeling of your stomach sinking a little. That’s the same feeling I got yesterday when I realized we were only on the Lion page of Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?  while reading it for the third time back to back. There are still 8 freaking animals left?!?! Ugh. But, I plowed ahead and you loved it. And I love you, so if that’s what you want to read again today, I’ll do it.  But I will be bored.

Now don’t get me wrong- YOU are not boring and I’m not wishing away this part of your life, but I am looking forward to the time when your preferred activities are a little more stimulating for yours truly. Maybe you will be into boy bands......that would be fun.  But for today, I will choose to embrace this moment of monotony by building yet another Lego tower for you to take apart. You are imitating your dad by groaning every time you bend down to pick up blocks that fall, and that’s flipping hilarious. 

Gifts of 2014

The holidays are over! It's a relief in a way...no more anxiety inducing family events, no more budgeting for gifts that we are obligated to purchase, no more big dinners full of carbs and sugar, no more singing along to the creepiest of all holiday tunes: Baby It's Cold Outside (If you have to ask your date "What's in this drink?", it's probably a red flag & you should head home to where your father is pacing the floor) 

My little family of three was blessed to have received many thoughtful and generous gifts for Christmas. While we are very thankful for those tangible and useful items, I have been thinking about some of the other gifts we were given throughout this year. Gifts in the form of advice, time, thoughtfulness, etc have really been life-changing. We all made it through 2014 because of the following:

1) Maternity and Paternity Leave

2) The End of Maternity Leave

3) EAP services

4) The Sleepeasy Solution

5) Support from family and friends

Chris and I waited a long time to have a child. (Reasons will be discussed in a future post) Because of this, we both had a large amount of paid sick leave built up and were able to be at home with our newborn for a while without the stress of financial hardship on top of everything else. Chris was home for a month and I was home for 3 months with our pink bundle of poop, pee, & spit up joy. It was plenty of time for bonding and we eventually settled into a bit of a routine. The time allowed breastfeeding to become a natural process for both of us and there was an easy transition to pumping and bottle-feeding before our uninterrupted time together ended.  That is a season in our lives that we will never have back, and I am grateful for the gift of those three months. 

On the final night of maternity leave, I popped a bottle of bubbly (don't worry, I researched the allowed amount of alcohol for a breastfeeding mother before I drank it) and the next morning I went to work with a spring in my step. We were very blessed with our childcare situation and I had absolutely no worries about leaving my girl for 8 hours. Yes, I cried the first two days if anyone mentioned "how hard it must have been to leave", but it was more that I missed my baby and not because I was sad to be at work. I felt (and still feel) no guilt for not being a "SAHM". My job is one of the only ways I maintain a halfway decent level of sanity. The change in scenery, the use of my brain for something other than my child, and the adult interaction with my co-workers/friends is so important for my health and happiness. Being a teacher makes me a much better parent. Quality over quantity I say! Plus my schedule still allows me a whole lot of quantity....

During maternity leave, I was not at the top of my game. I thought for a while that I was feeling blue and listless because I was sleep deprived and having trouble adjusting to motherhood, or perhaps it was because of the cold weather and being stuck inside most of the time. But after I returned to work and the weather warmed up, I realized that I was starting to feel worse. Thankfully, Chris made a few calls and found out that I could take advantage of the EAP services through our insurance. I was able to have 6 completely free therapy sessions through which I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Treatment through meds and therapy was the ticket, I am feeling much better at the end of 2014.

Olivia did not sleep well for the first 9 months of 2014. Naps and night were difficult for us all. We had to hold her for all of her naps.... yes, she would only sleep in our arms, for 45 minutes at a time. At night she woke up to eat every few hours, and in between feedings if her pacifier fell out, we had a few seconds to pop it back in before she woke up. We tried many techniques and found a few solutions, but nothing made a huge impact on the amount of sleep we were all getting or on her cranky mood. Thankfully, one of my friends suggested I try reading and applying the rules in the book The Sleepeasy Solution. That suggestion changed our lives! The first day of summer break, we began the program and within a week, we were able to lay Olivia down in her crib without any fuss and she slept for her naps and night....just like the book promised!! I still had to feed her a couple of times during the night until the end of September because of her size, but not anymore! She is now a great napper and sleeps for around 11 hours at night. 

I know that in the grand scheme of things, the struggles I experienced this year were not that bad. I didn't experience any tragic losses, no major health issues, or insecurities with employment. It could have been way worse. I am aware of all of that. Still, many of my days were dark and this was a hard year. A countless number of my moments were made better by the love and support of my incredible husband, who never complained about his shell of a wife and took the steps required to get the help I needed. My awesome mom left her vacation in OBX to come take care of me when I called her in the middle of an anxiety attack and later helped get me through many potential ones over the phone. Others shared their own stories of how tough the transition to motherhood was for them, and just knowing that I wasn't alone helped get me through to the other side. The love and support from my family and friends are true gifts that can never be repaid, but I will re-gift them if the opportunities ever come up. 

I am feeling optimistic for 2015. I hope that you are as well. Tonight I will pop another bottle of bubbly....and this time I can drink as much as I darn well please! Happy New Year! 

Here we are during the first month of 2014!

Here we are during the last month of 2014!

The last page in the baby book

I have been a fairly consistent an occasional updater of the baby book. The main points have been filled in, mostly because I haven't had to do the page on teething or hair cuts, so the load was lighter. After carefully taping the pictures from her cake smash party in the appropriate section, I turned the page and came to the final part of the book with the heading A Letter to Your Child, followed by several lines in which to write anything that comes to mind. Talk about pressure! Is 3/4 of an 8x10 piece of paper enough to tell her everything I have to say?  I could write about my hopes and dreams for her future. I could write about the attributes I dream she possesses. I could write about the first year of her life. It was just too much, so I closed the book and walked away. It has popped into my mind several times over the last few days. Honestly, I could never write down everything I hope for her. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided that I could sum up very briefly what I want for her: 
Be happy. Be kind. Be appreciative. Don't be a ho. 
But since this is going into the baby book, it should be fluffier than that. So, this is what I wrote:

Dear Olivia Marie,
You are my favorite person, other than your dad. Being your mother is my greatest adventure, one with twists and turns popping up just when I set the cruise. You are loved- unconditionally by me, purely by your father, intensely by your grandparents.  I can't wait to watch your personality develop, to hear your thoughts and observations on the world around you, to hear the sound of your voice when you sing your favorite songs in the car. You are still in many ways a stranger, but I have never known anyone quite as well as I know you.  
My job is to nurture you, provide for you, and prepare you to be a contributing member of society. In order to do this, you will be given discipline instead of bail outs. There will be times you don't like me much. Sorry, not sorry. 
Remember that your brain is not fully developed until you are 25, so try to refrain from permanent decisions (husband, tattoos, babies, etc) until after that time. Your decisions will affect me, because your health and happiness affect me. When major forks pop up in the road, use your gut to make the call on the direction you take. Your instinct is a gift and it's usually right. 
I pray you give love to and accept love from yourself, friends, family, animals and, one day when you are old enough, your soul mate (who I do believe exists). 
Mistakes will happen. Many of them have the potential for life-altering consequences that don't appear positive, but it's not the end of the world. You can always recover if you choose to. You will probably hear that "everything happens for a reason". I'm not sure that I believe this, but I do believe that sucky stuff happens & you can choose to respond to it in a positive way (after allowing yourself to be angry about it for a little while). 
While I am writing this, you are a toddler asleep in your crib. I know that the time I have to raise you will go quickly even though many of the days will seem long. Even in the hardest of times, I will always be happy in the deepest part of my soul that you are part of my life. 
I love you,
Mommy

And yes, it was too long!