Anniversaries

Dear Olivia Marie,

Your daddy and I are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary today!  Choosing who to spend your life with is such a crazy idea.....you are supposed to find someone to love and admire for your entire adult life! 

Your dad and I started out as a married couple at 21 years old. We had no idea what adulting would entail and how much we would change over the next 15 years. Somehow we have managed to move through the cycles of life up to this point, knowing that whatever we face in the coming years, we have each other. I can’t tell you the peace that having a strong, reliable, even-natured husband brings me each day.

No marriage is perfect because it is always made up of two imperfect people. My hope is that we show you an example of a loving, happy, healthy relationship. One that sets the stage for your own.

When I think about your future, many prayers come to mind. I think about your future spouse. Praying that he will be a person of integrity & generosity. That the family who is raising him now instills values that match ours so that when you find each other it will be a smooth transition for you both. I pray that your marriage will have adventure and fun. That you will communicate with each other when times get tough & give one another a break when you occasionally forget that you are a team. I pray for happiness and enough differences in personality that you surprise but complement each other.

Most of all, I pray that you realize that you are complete as you are. That no other person will come into your life and solve all of your problems. Don’t put that burden on someone else.....it’s too big of a weight to carry. When you enter a relationship, your role to is support and love and add quality to that person’s life & that is his role in yours.

I can’t predict what type of person you will end up with. But I do hope your first 15 years of marriage will be as happy as ours have been. I really love this life. It has so many wonderful blessings, with you and your daddy being the best parts.

Love,

Mommy

First Day of K3!

Dear Olivia Marie,

You recently asked me what I was eating.
“It’s broccoli” I replied.
“Oh,” you said. “I don’t like broccoli. But I do really like you mommy, so I’ll just eat you all up...yum, yum, yum!”
And that pretty much sums up the summer of 3.5.....you say funny things and eat nothing healthy at all. It’s amazing that you are growing and a testament to the human body that it can continue to produce a smart, typically developing child on chicken nuggets, water, and chocolate almond milk.  

Sadly, our summer has come to an end as it has every August for the last three years. I am so grateful for this time we've had and also for the new chapter that begins each year. This end of summer brings a milestone for you. 

You are starting school today!
You have become much more social and interactive with other children this summer & I’m excited for you to make new friends, learn, and love your teachers. I’m also happy for us both that you’ll have a large part of your daily life that is separate from me. I like that you prefer to keep close to me.....but really, can you move over just an inch so I can lift this coffee/wine glass up to my lips without bumping your head with my elbow?  It’s time for us to get some breathing room from each other and come back together at the end of the day excited to share our experiences and reconnect. 

Even though your dad and I are confident that K3 is the right step for you, I feel nervous about how your first few days will go:

                Will someone be mean to you?

                Will you find a best friend right away?

                Will you eat anything at all out of your lunchbox?

                Will you take a nap on that thin little mat that hasn’t changed at all in 30-plus
                         years?  

                Will your teacher really get to know you- your humor, your intelligence, and your
                         sensitive nature?

I think it's silly for me to have any fears at all. As a preschool teacher myself, I know your classroom will be a place of growth and fun. Your teachers will keep you safe and make you feel nurtured. But still....

You’ve been well cared for and loved at each of your childcare placements & it’s bittersweet to send you out into the big, wide world. Granted it’s a school where your grandma works, in a class with your cousin, where your mom & dad and aunts & uncles went, and almost every teacher there knows most of your family...but it’s bigger and wider than your previous experiences and with that comes some anxiety for yours truly. There is no doubt you will flourish and I can't wait to watch how it unfolds over the next 10 months. 

When I asked how you feel about starting school, you said "I'm so excited. But I'm a little scared, too."

Ditto. 

My big girl, have a great day today! I can’t wait to hear all about it.

Love,
Mommy

Conversations with a Three and a Half Year Old

Dear Olivia Marie,

You are awesome.

You are inquisitive and caring:

O: How was your day at work mommy?

M: Bad.

O: Oh no! Why was it bad mommy?

M: The kids.

O: What did they do?

M: A bunch of bad stuff.

O: Oh no mommy. I’m sorry you had a bad day. When we get to the beach, I’ll give you a hug and then you’ll be better.

(You were right.) 

You are funny and observant:

O: This living room is not very special.

M: Why?

O: There is nothing special in it.

M: Sure there is. We have our comfy couch, your dollhouse, and pictures of you and our family- there’s a lot of special things in here.

O: No, there is nothing sparkly, or shiny, or special. It isn’t special enough.

M: Well, what do we need to make it more special for you?

O: Glitter. 

And sometimes you are mean...but in an innocent way: 

O: Mommy, when I’m bigger and have a big butt, can I ride your bike?

O:  Daddy. I love you, but only a little bit. Not much.

D: Why do you not love me much?

O: Because you always go to the fire station.

M: Ouch. 

You somehow know which questions to ask in order to more fully understand what is being said. I find that to be unique in someone so young. 

Continue to ask questions, to insert your opinion into conversations instead of being quiet with your thoughts, and to care deeply about others. These are gifts provided to you. Use them for good in the world. I'll try to show you how. 

Love,

Mommy

The voice in the thunder

Dear Olivia Marie,

Tonight you were holding your baby doll Jillian standing at the back door, looking out at the backyard and sky. I overheard you talking to the doll saying “That’s how God talks to us. Through thunder and rain. It’s God talking to us.” So I asked you to repeat what you told Jillian. 

And the conversation went:

Olivia:  “God talks to us through thunder and rain and sometimes in the morning.”

Me: “Like in the sunrise?”

Olivia: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, what is God saying to you?”

Olivia: “God says “Hi there!” and then you did a little jump & said it again which you asked instructed your daddy to copy....which he, nor I, could do quite to your liking. I suppose you just have the power to interpret God’s movements better than we do. 

And isn’t that the case?

I try to over complicate everything dealing with the divine, looking for obvious signs of existence and begging for clues for my life’s purpose, but maybe I’m ignoring all the ways God is already speaking and moving.....in nature, in the daily routines of life, in a child’s perspective which seems simple but so profound at the same time.  

And in those things, maybe the message of “Hi there!” is all we really need. To know that we are not alone, that we are cared for and thought of.  The One who paints the morning sky and calms the storm is there waiting for us to say "Hi" back to him; waiting for us to recognize his presence in the expected, ordinary parts of life that we so often miss or take for granted because we are looking instead for the big moments. 

So, thank you, God, for the storms, for the sunrises, and for this child who adds such wonder to my life. 

Love,

Mommy

On happiness

Dear Olivia Marie,

Over the last few months, at least once a day but usually more, you’ll look at me and ask

“Are you happy, Mommy?”

Most of the time it’s in response to my giving you a mom-look because I’ve asked you to do something and you’ve not done it, but sometimes you just ask it. It sort of breaks my heart every time. I think you can sense my numbness in the day to day. Or maybe you are picking up on the constant inner dialogue in my mind that goes something like this: “Why are you living in a state of basic contentment when you should be looking around at your life shouting ‘Wow, am I lucky or what?!’ You have a fabulous husband, a smart, healthy, and adorable daughter, a secure job with co-workers who are friends, and a wonderful family who loves and supports you. What’s wrong with you that you spend your days hoping they pass quickly? What’s so bad about your life that you avoid fully living in it and instead try to find ways to distract yourself? You really have it too good to be anything other than thrilled.” And then the guilt sets in for feeling this way, which makes it even worse....it’s a vicious cycle really.

But lately I feel like mirrors are being held up, reflecting the truth in my life for what it is: I’m afraid. I’m afraid of failure, of rejection, of loss, of pain. Although I’ve spent most of my life living in that fear, I’m more afraid now of continuing to live that way.  

I’ve recently heard three authors’ interviews that have made my eyes fill with tears while my whole body tingles with the knowledge deep in my soul that what they are speaking is exactly what I need to hear. I’ve been reading their books like I’m inhaling this revelation about myself....even though it’s written and said by different people, it’s all the same info: it’s time to be brave enough to be fully alive; to be present enough to see the beauty in the ordinary; to be vulnerable enough to risk the joy.

That sounds sort of crazy....that I would avoid joy because it’s too scary.  

But being your mother is terrifying. It makes my relationship with your dad scarier because I need him more than ever. It makes my relationship with my mom scarier because I now realize how much she loves me and that’s a lot to accept.  It makes my relationship with you scariest of all because I can make or break your understanding of love and the foundation of your future relationships. Even though it’s frightening, it also makes everything more powerful and full of potential for greatness....if only I’ll allow it.

I feel I’ve been given a gift in these recent revelations. I’m going to make a conscious effort to be open and present, to fully accept moments of delight and be grateful for them instead of blocking them out of fear. It’s going to take work, but the result will be worthy of the effort.

Soon, I’m hoping that you won’t have ask “Are you happy, Mommy? Show me a big happy smile if you are happy.” 

Instead, I’m hoping that you’ll know I’m beyond that.....that I’m residing in the joy.

Love,

Mommy

Successful mothering

Dear Olivia Marie,

I am tired.

More than tired. I’m burned out.  

As I attempt to define for myself what “happiness” is and what constitutes “opportunity”, I am resigned to my current state of being and trying to figure out how to do this whole working-mother thing in some way that resembles success.

This morning was not successful. 

Although time blurs the edges, I think it's important to remember how each season of life really feels. (I hate the phrase "season of life".) This one feels exhausting.

When reading this, you will not remember what it was like back in 2017 when you were three years old and I dealt with the struggle of trying to get us both dressed and out of the house by 6:40 a.m. Monday-Friday.  

This morning, at 6:35 a.m., your butt was naked and sticking up in the air from your bed while you flat out refused to get dressed & brush your teeth and hair. This may embarrass you, depending on what age you are when you read this story. However, at this time, your butt is still tiny and cute. It is not very cute though when it is supposed to be covered in a full outfit and we are late.

I tried everything I could think of to motivate you with positive reinforcement. It didn’t work.

The following thoughts went through my head:

1) “Your butt is so tiny and cute.”

2) “I’m so glad I don’t have to breastfeed you anymore.”

3) “I’m so glad you are going to your Grana’s house tonight.”

4)”Get the eff dressed or I’m going to lose it.”

5) “Take a deep breath. Being a few minutes late isn’t going to hurt anyone.”

6) “I’m going to try yelling and see if that works.”

It didn’t work.  You just tilted your head to the side a bit, looked at me, and stayed naked.

We weren't late and you were eventually, forcefully, clothed, but I don’t like starting the day like that. 

Let’s just enjoy the weekend and try again on Monday.

Love,

Mommy