Dear Olivia Marie,
Over the last few months, at least once a day but usually
more, you’ll look at me and ask
“Are you happy, Mommy?”
Most of the time it’s in response to my giving you a mom-look
because I’ve asked you to do something and you’ve not done it, but sometimes
you just ask it. It sort of breaks my heart every time. I think you can sense my
numbness in the day to day. Or maybe you are picking up on the constant inner
dialogue in my mind that goes something like this: “Why are you living in a
state of basic contentment when you should be looking around at your life
shouting ‘Wow, am I lucky or what?!’ You have a fabulous husband, a smart,
healthy, and adorable daughter, a secure job with co-workers who are friends,
and a wonderful family who loves and supports you. What’s wrong with you that
you spend your days hoping they pass quickly? What’s so bad about your life
that you avoid fully living in it and instead try to find ways to distract
yourself? You really have it too good to be anything other than thrilled.” And then
the guilt sets in for feeling this way, which makes it even worse....it’s a
vicious cycle really.
But lately I feel like mirrors are being held up, reflecting
the truth in my life for what it is: I’m afraid. I’m afraid of failure, of
rejection, of loss, of pain. Although I’ve spent most of my life living in that
fear, I’m more afraid now of continuing to live that way.
I’ve recently heard three authors’ interviews that have made my eyes fill with tears while my whole body tingles with the
knowledge deep in my soul that what they are speaking is exactly what I need to
hear. I’ve been reading their books like I’m inhaling this revelation about
myself....even though it’s written and said by different people, it’s all the
same info: it’s time to be brave enough to be fully alive; to be present enough to see the beauty in the ordinary; to be vulnerable enough
to risk the joy.
That sounds sort of crazy....that I would avoid joy because
it’s too scary.
But being your mother is terrifying. It makes my relationship
with your dad scarier because I need him more than ever. It makes my
relationship with my mom scarier because I now realize how much she loves me
and that’s a lot to accept. It makes my
relationship with you scariest of all because I can make or break your understanding
of love and the foundation of your future relationships. Even though it’s frightening,
it also makes everything more powerful and full of potential for
greatness....if only I’ll allow it.
I feel I’ve been given a gift in these recent revelations. I’m
going to make a conscious effort to be open and present, to fully accept
moments of delight and be grateful for them instead of blocking them out of
fear. It’s going to take work, but the result will be worthy of the effort.
Soon, I’m hoping that you won’t have ask “Are you happy,
Mommy? Show me a big happy smile if you are happy.”
Instead, I’m hoping that you’ll know I’m
beyond that.....that I’m residing in the joy.
Love,
Mommy
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