A snapshot of 6

Dear Olivia Marie,

Happy 6^th Birthday!!

This time 6 years ago, we were just meeting. I can remember some things about that night….mostly how well my epidural worked and how sweet your daddy was during the whole process of ushering you into the world. I was so excited to hear your cry and look at your skinny little legs, bald head, and big feet….in true Bradley fashion. Mostly though, the first few days are a blur.

Since then, time has gone by faster each year it seems. So, I want to stop this moment in time and jot down a few things about the newly 6-year-old you….

You are a perfectionist and a control freak, but sadly not in the ways that keep the house tidy. Only in ways that make leaving the house on time in the mornings a miracle and remind me of myself quite often.

The baby talk and mispronunciations are all but gone. Now you say things like “I’ll consider your suggestion.” and “I just don’t feel like myself.” You also tell me that I’m the best mom in the world, unless you don’t get your way- then I’m the worst one. MVP of both categories works for me, I guess.

You love kindergarten. This has been the biggest blessing. I was afraid that your anxious nature would make school tough, but you’ve stepped up and made school your safe place. You love your teacher and have made lots of sweet friends. One boy proposed to you the second week of school! You didn’t want to let him down so you told him that you’d think about it- even though you “really won’t say yes.” I provided you with strong feminist philosophy on how it’s not your job as a girl to make the boy feel ok at the expense of your authentic feelings, but you just shrugged after my impassioned speech. We’ll loop back on this topic another time.

Physical touch is your love language. It takes 10 minutes and multiple group hugs before you’ll leave school at the end of each day. You prefer to be as close as possible to us and love snuggles and back rubs before bed. The other day at a family event, I was going to do my standard sneak out but as we got close to the door you said, “But we haven’t given everyone a hug goodbye yet.”  

We are often entertained by your elaborate make-believe storylines and living room musical performances. When asked if you’d like to take dance or music lessons, you told us no, because you are already good enough at it all.

I hope you remain confident and sweet as you grow. Your life has blessed us in ways that words cannot quite capture accurately. We love you so much. But if you could start sleeping through the night before you turn 7, that would be super.

Love,

Mommy

Worth Remembering

Dear Olivia Marie,

Forgive me for the delay in writing. 

I started these letters in an attempt to remember these years of our lives, knowing that time will pass quickly and the details of these crazy days will fade. Unfortunately, I let my insecurities stop me from returning to the electronic page- afraid of judgement over parenting choices or that my writing skills would be critiqued, fearful that my perspective and voice would have no place among the other reading material that exists and people would say "who cares" when my link appears in their newsfeed....

...and now I've lost so much time that cannot be retrieved. 

But the good news is that I remembered that you are my audience and these words and memories are beyond criticism because they are uniquely ours. Thank goodness I realized this in time. 

Because I want to remember these days. 

I want to remember how you love to show off your new rhyming skills by playing the rhyming game in the car.....which apparently means I say a word and you change the beginning sound to "sl"

M:"Car"

O:"Slar"

M:"Sky"

O:"Sly"

M:"Putt" 

O:"Slut" 

M:"Ok, new game!" 

I want to remember how at five years old you still want to be held in the morning, prefer company in the bathroom, and love the Kidz Bop station.

And how this morning you posed so confidently for a picture of your last day of preschool at Ms. Jennifer's. How you told me that you are proud of me for getting my new job, that you are going to eat junk food at Grana's tonight, and when you looked in the mirror you smiled and said "I'm beautiful."  

Totally agree. 

Daddy and I are so excited to spend this summer with you. This is our one and only summer with a five year old and I intend to remember it. 

Love,

Mommy

Anniversaries

Dear Olivia Marie,

Your daddy and I are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary today!  Choosing who to spend your life with is such a crazy idea.....you are supposed to find someone to love and admire for your entire adult life! 

Your dad and I started out as a married couple at 21 years old. We had no idea what adulting would entail and how much we would change over the next 15 years. Somehow we have managed to move through the cycles of life up to this point, knowing that whatever we face in the coming years, we have each other. I can’t tell you the peace that having a strong, reliable, even-natured husband brings me each day.

No marriage is perfect because it is always made up of two imperfect people. My hope is that we show you an example of a loving, happy, healthy relationship. One that sets the stage for your own.

When I think about your future, many prayers come to mind. I think about your future spouse. Praying that he will be a person of integrity & generosity. That the family who is raising him now instills values that match ours so that when you find each other it will be a smooth transition for you both. I pray that your marriage will have adventure and fun. That you will communicate with each other when times get tough & give one another a break when you occasionally forget that you are a team. I pray for happiness and enough differences in personality that you surprise but complement each other.

Most of all, I pray that you realize that you are complete as you are. That no other person will come into your life and solve all of your problems. Don’t put that burden on someone else.....it’s too big of a weight to carry. When you enter a relationship, your role to is support and love and add quality to that person’s life & that is his role in yours.

I can’t predict what type of person you will end up with. But I do hope your first 15 years of marriage will be as happy as ours have been. I really love this life. It has so many wonderful blessings, with you and your daddy being the best parts.

Love,

Mommy

First Day of K3!

Dear Olivia Marie,

You recently asked me what I was eating.
“It’s broccoli” I replied.
“Oh,” you said. “I don’t like broccoli. But I do really like you mommy, so I’ll just eat you all up...yum, yum, yum!”
And that pretty much sums up the summer of 3.5.....you say funny things and eat nothing healthy at all. It’s amazing that you are growing and a testament to the human body that it can continue to produce a smart, typically developing child on chicken nuggets, water, and chocolate almond milk.  

Sadly, our summer has come to an end as it has every August for the last three years. I am so grateful for this time we've had and also for the new chapter that begins each year. This end of summer brings a milestone for you. 

You are starting school today!
You have become much more social and interactive with other children this summer & I’m excited for you to make new friends, learn, and love your teachers. I’m also happy for us both that you’ll have a large part of your daily life that is separate from me. I like that you prefer to keep close to me.....but really, can you move over just an inch so I can lift this coffee/wine glass up to my lips without bumping your head with my elbow?  It’s time for us to get some breathing room from each other and come back together at the end of the day excited to share our experiences and reconnect. 

Even though your dad and I are confident that K3 is the right step for you, I feel nervous about how your first few days will go:

                Will someone be mean to you?

                Will you find a best friend right away?

                Will you eat anything at all out of your lunchbox?

                Will you take a nap on that thin little mat that hasn’t changed at all in 30-plus
                         years?  

                Will your teacher really get to know you- your humor, your intelligence, and your
                         sensitive nature?

I think it's silly for me to have any fears at all. As a preschool teacher myself, I know your classroom will be a place of growth and fun. Your teachers will keep you safe and make you feel nurtured. But still....

You’ve been well cared for and loved at each of your childcare placements & it’s bittersweet to send you out into the big, wide world. Granted it’s a school where your grandma works, in a class with your cousin, where your mom & dad and aunts & uncles went, and almost every teacher there knows most of your family...but it’s bigger and wider than your previous experiences and with that comes some anxiety for yours truly. There is no doubt you will flourish and I can't wait to watch how it unfolds over the next 10 months. 

When I asked how you feel about starting school, you said "I'm so excited. But I'm a little scared, too."

Ditto. 

My big girl, have a great day today! I can’t wait to hear all about it.

Love,
Mommy

Conversations with a Three and a Half Year Old

Dear Olivia Marie,

You are awesome.

You are inquisitive and caring:

O: How was your day at work mommy?

M: Bad.

O: Oh no! Why was it bad mommy?

M: The kids.

O: What did they do?

M: A bunch of bad stuff.

O: Oh no mommy. I’m sorry you had a bad day. When we get to the beach, I’ll give you a hug and then you’ll be better.

(You were right.) 

You are funny and observant:

O: This living room is not very special.

M: Why?

O: There is nothing special in it.

M: Sure there is. We have our comfy couch, your dollhouse, and pictures of you and our family- there’s a lot of special things in here.

O: No, there is nothing sparkly, or shiny, or special. It isn’t special enough.

M: Well, what do we need to make it more special for you?

O: Glitter. 

And sometimes you are mean...but in an innocent way: 

O: Mommy, when I’m bigger and have a big butt, can I ride your bike?

O:  Daddy. I love you, but only a little bit. Not much.

D: Why do you not love me much?

O: Because you always go to the fire station.

M: Ouch. 

You somehow know which questions to ask in order to more fully understand what is being said. I find that to be unique in someone so young. 

Continue to ask questions, to insert your opinion into conversations instead of being quiet with your thoughts, and to care deeply about others. These are gifts provided to you. Use them for good in the world. I'll try to show you how. 

Love,

Mommy

The voice in the thunder

Dear Olivia Marie,

Tonight you were holding your baby doll Jillian standing at the back door, looking out at the backyard and sky. I overheard you talking to the doll saying “That’s how God talks to us. Through thunder and rain. It’s God talking to us.” So I asked you to repeat what you told Jillian. 

And the conversation went:

Olivia:  “God talks to us through thunder and rain and sometimes in the morning.”

Me: “Like in the sunrise?”

Olivia: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, what is God saying to you?”

Olivia: “God says “Hi there!” and then you did a little jump & said it again which you asked instructed your daddy to copy....which he, nor I, could do quite to your liking. I suppose you just have the power to interpret God’s movements better than we do. 

And isn’t that the case?

I try to over complicate everything dealing with the divine, looking for obvious signs of existence and begging for clues for my life’s purpose, but maybe I’m ignoring all the ways God is already speaking and moving.....in nature, in the daily routines of life, in a child’s perspective which seems simple but so profound at the same time.  

And in those things, maybe the message of “Hi there!” is all we really need. To know that we are not alone, that we are cared for and thought of.  The One who paints the morning sky and calms the storm is there waiting for us to say "Hi" back to him; waiting for us to recognize his presence in the expected, ordinary parts of life that we so often miss or take for granted because we are looking instead for the big moments. 

So, thank you, God, for the storms, for the sunrises, and for this child who adds such wonder to my life. 

Love,

Mommy

On happiness

Dear Olivia Marie,

Over the last few months, at least once a day but usually more, you’ll look at me and ask

“Are you happy, Mommy?”

Most of the time it’s in response to my giving you a mom-look because I’ve asked you to do something and you’ve not done it, but sometimes you just ask it. It sort of breaks my heart every time. I think you can sense my numbness in the day to day. Or maybe you are picking up on the constant inner dialogue in my mind that goes something like this: “Why are you living in a state of basic contentment when you should be looking around at your life shouting ‘Wow, am I lucky or what?!’ You have a fabulous husband, a smart, healthy, and adorable daughter, a secure job with co-workers who are friends, and a wonderful family who loves and supports you. What’s wrong with you that you spend your days hoping they pass quickly? What’s so bad about your life that you avoid fully living in it and instead try to find ways to distract yourself? You really have it too good to be anything other than thrilled.” And then the guilt sets in for feeling this way, which makes it even worse....it’s a vicious cycle really.

But lately I feel like mirrors are being held up, reflecting the truth in my life for what it is: I’m afraid. I’m afraid of failure, of rejection, of loss, of pain. Although I’ve spent most of my life living in that fear, I’m more afraid now of continuing to live that way.  

I’ve recently heard three authors’ interviews that have made my eyes fill with tears while my whole body tingles with the knowledge deep in my soul that what they are speaking is exactly what I need to hear. I’ve been reading their books like I’m inhaling this revelation about myself....even though it’s written and said by different people, it’s all the same info: it’s time to be brave enough to be fully alive; to be present enough to see the beauty in the ordinary; to be vulnerable enough to risk the joy.

That sounds sort of crazy....that I would avoid joy because it’s too scary.  

But being your mother is terrifying. It makes my relationship with your dad scarier because I need him more than ever. It makes my relationship with my mom scarier because I now realize how much she loves me and that’s a lot to accept.  It makes my relationship with you scariest of all because I can make or break your understanding of love and the foundation of your future relationships. Even though it’s frightening, it also makes everything more powerful and full of potential for greatness....if only I’ll allow it.

I feel I’ve been given a gift in these recent revelations. I’m going to make a conscious effort to be open and present, to fully accept moments of delight and be grateful for them instead of blocking them out of fear. It’s going to take work, but the result will be worthy of the effort.

Soon, I’m hoping that you won’t have ask “Are you happy, Mommy? Show me a big happy smile if you are happy.” 

Instead, I’m hoping that you’ll know I’m beyond that.....that I’m residing in the joy.

Love,

Mommy

Successful mothering

Dear Olivia Marie,

I am tired.

More than tired. I’m burned out.  

As I attempt to define for myself what “happiness” is and what constitutes “opportunity”, I am resigned to my current state of being and trying to figure out how to do this whole working-mother thing in some way that resembles success.

This morning was not successful. 

Although time blurs the edges, I think it's important to remember how each season of life really feels. (I hate the phrase "season of life".) This one feels exhausting.

When reading this, you will not remember what it was like back in 2017 when you were three years old and I dealt with the struggle of trying to get us both dressed and out of the house by 6:40 a.m. Monday-Friday.  

This morning, at 6:35 a.m., your butt was naked and sticking up in the air from your bed while you flat out refused to get dressed & brush your teeth and hair. This may embarrass you, depending on what age you are when you read this story. However, at this time, your butt is still tiny and cute. It is not very cute though when it is supposed to be covered in a full outfit and we are late.

I tried everything I could think of to motivate you with positive reinforcement. It didn’t work.

The following thoughts went through my head:

1) “Your butt is so tiny and cute.”

2) “I’m so glad I don’t have to breastfeed you anymore.”

3) “I’m so glad you are going to your Grana’s house tonight.”

4)”Get the eff dressed or I’m going to lose it.”

5) “Take a deep breath. Being a few minutes late isn’t going to hurt anyone.”

6) “I’m going to try yelling and see if that works.”

It didn’t work.  You just tilted your head to the side a bit, looked at me, and stayed naked.

We weren't late and you were eventually, forcefully, clothed, but I don’t like starting the day like that. 

Let’s just enjoy the weekend and try again on Monday.

Love,

Mommy

From Child-free by Choice to Hearing a Voice

Dear Olivia Marie,

Today you are 3 years old. You are really interested in stories and want to hear one every night, so here’s the story that explains how you came to be...When two people love each other, they....maybe not that part of the story.

Once upon a time, Mommy and Daddy decided to not ever have kids. There are several reasons why and all of them are valid. I won’t go into them here, but I do want you to remember that having a child should be a choice you make when the time is right. But I’ll love you and support you if you have one when the time is less than preferred. I’ll also buy you birth control (actually it might be free....I’ll have to check).  But I digress...

Mommy and Daddy knew that having a child would add so much more expense and hassle to our lives and decided to opt out. After all, people seem so happy once their children are grown and out of the house.....it made better sense to skip the years where the children live at home and just keep an empty nest.

But every once in a while your daddy would say “Having kids might not be so bad. It might actually be a little fun.”  And then I would respond in some form or fashion of “Nope.”

Then one day, at the Commodore Theatre, daddy once again made his case and had a reasonable argument against every reason I gave to not have kids. It was very frustrating because his points were correct and it was obvious that I was making a fear based decision and that’s really no way to live. We discussed how we may regret never having children, but would never regret having one once he/she arrived. 

So we got pregnant on the first try. And then that baby didn’t make it past the first trimester. Then nothing happened for a while. I lost the nervous excitement I originally had at the beginning of the process. We had time to think about all the great reasons we had to remain child-free and decided that we wouldn’t go through with the whole baby thing anymore.

And then the weirdest thing happened. This is going to sound crazy, but I promise it is true. 

I was in our home office (which now doubles as your playroom) working on a graduate school paper and had a mental block. I was unable to complete my work and I said out loud “Why can’t I get this done?!” and although I was completely alone, I heard a voice say “You’re missing it.” 

Two thoughts crossed my mind: 1) I’m missing what? 2)Who the (bleep) said that? “You’re missing it” the voice said again.....then I got a feeling in my chest- a tingling sensation. And in an instant, I knew I had to keep trying for a baby. It was as if the desire for motherhood was put in place by some supernatural force. It was weird. But it happened and I couldn’t ignore it.

Over the next few months, I tried to reason this experience away, but the truth is what it is and I couldn’t brush it off.

Months later, I dreamed that I took a positive pregnancy test. Then a few weeks later, in the spring of 2013, it happened for real. I poured your dad a beer and put the test stick beside it. We were afraid to get too excited because of the miscarriage the year before, but somehow I knew this was going to go differently. And sure enough on December 19, 2013, you arrived.

The love, pride, and joy we feel for you far outweigh the negative aspects of parenthood.

We are so glad you are here.

You, my friend, were divinely inspired.

Love, Mommy

Smile and say Hello....and absolutely nothing else.

Dear Olivia Marie,

Last weekend, you and I went to the Botanical Gardens because you wanted to play with the kitchen set in the World of Wonder area and I wanted to leave the house. It wasn’t warm, but it was warm enough to justify being outside with a toddler on a Sunday morning. I fully expected to have the whole place to ourselves- but surprisingly there were quite a few other moms and toddlers there.

Other mothers wearing the same legging/tunic/cardigan outfit combo that I wore; several other toddlers walking around wondering why the splash pad was dry and discovering other ways to enjoy the area. 

There we all were, giving each other a polite good morning grin & nod and then pretending we didn’t see each other for the rest of the time. After this same baseline exchange of pleasantries was observed for an hour or so, the thought struck me: Why are we pretending to ignore each other?

Are we afraid of judgment because we have our children outside on a chilly day?

Are we embarrassed that we are choosing to enjoy nature instead of packing ourselves and children into the newest trendy church that meets in a school?

Did we all assume the garden would be vacant, so we didn’t get all dolled up in preparation to socialize?

Can’t you see that we already have several things in common just by being in this exact place in this exact moment?

We are all living off of LuLaRoe and dry shampoo! That’s enough of a conversation starter to pass the time while our children play together. But wait....our children aren’t playing together. Perhaps they can sense the way we are keeping our distance from one another.  We are preventing ourselves from becoming friends AND blocking our children from important social interactions.

Don’t you know that we need each other!? Don’t you know that it takes a village!? Don’t you know that your worries for your child are the same as mine!? Don’t you realize that we have the opportunity to discuss mutual concerns and share unique excitements if only all we would more fully acknowledge one another!?

I tried to engage with one mother and child while we sat directly across from each other in swings, but it didn’t take.

You and I had a nice time together, eventually caught the tram, and went home.  But the questions from that morning are still in my mind and I'm sure there is a lesson in there somewhere for us both. 

I’m hoping that I can teach you to be inclusive and reach out to others when the chances are given to you...but that’s so far out of my comfort zone that I probably won’t practice what I preach. Maybe I can teach you something else instead. 

Love,  

Mommy

Just a lovely fall walk.....

Dear Olivia Marie,

We took a walk this evening. You wanted to play in the backyard and not take a walk, so the compromise was that you could walk beside me pushing your baby in the toy stroller while I pushed your car in case you wanted to ride if you got tired of walking. Some compromises are worth making. This one...not so much.

You stopped walking every few feet,

To adjust the baby doll.... I reminded myself that the point of the walk is to get out of the house and enjoy the evening (turns out that it’s not an enjoyable evening......it’s still hot, humid, and there are mosquitoes.)

To put the baby doll in the car..... I reminded myself that the walk is about the journey and not the destination.

To pick up a stick.....I reminded myself that you are still young enough to find joy in things like sticks in the street and that I should savor every moment because you are growing up quickly.

To look at a crack in the cement.......I reminded myself that there are lessons I could learn as an adult from watching your innocence and wonder in the small details that I don’t even notice anymore.

To look at the Halloween decor a neighbor put out (way too early, btw)....I reminded myself that I am thankful to live in a safe, nice area where we can take a worry-free walk around the block.

To strap the baby doll in.....I reminded myself that this slow a*$ walk is still more exercise than sitting and watching tv.

To count the pumpkins on the neighbor’s porch.....I reminded myself that deep breaths can help calm my mind when I feel anxiety starting to creep up.

To literally stop and smell the flowers.....I reminded myself that this walk is not going to burn any calories and I really want a glass of wine when you go to bed.

To get in the car and then out of the car.....I reminded myself that losing my mind is not a helpful experience for you, myself, or the people sitting on the porch across the street.

To....oh no, I lost it. Now you are crying and I feel bad. Maybe pointing out the airplane or the squirrel will distract you from lamenting your fortune of having me as a mother. When we get home I’ll make those frozen chicken nuggets again and continue this thing called motherhood like a real champ.

I’ll do better tomorrow.....fingers crossed.

Love,

Mommy

Equipment dilemma

Dear Olivia Marie,

I’m having a bit of trouble. I am physically unable to remove the changing pad that has been on your dresser for nearly three years. It’s not heavy or stuck to the top.....it’s just that I can’t take it down. My arms just won’t do it and my heart can’t handle the weight.

Your dresser drawer that used to hold the diapers, wipes, and butt paste  (yes, that’s the actual name of the product.....it’s a must have by the way) is now filled with Frozen and Peppa Pig undies. But I can’t take your changing pad off of the top of your dresser. We haven’t used it for months, and it’s really in the way. It’s time to replace it with a container to store your hair clips and maybe a little lamp.

All of your other baby items were replaced without much sadness and sometimes even with excitement....the highchair was replaced with a booster seat, your infant car seat is now a convertible front-facing ride, your swing is at your baby cousin's house, and where your pack in play was now stands a tot-sized table and chairs for coloring and Playdoh. None of those changes in "equipment" caused me pause...you outgrew them and they were removed, simple enough.  But this is the last baby thing in the house.

I remember walking into your nursery when we were waiting for you to arrive. I would take out the newborn clothes and imagine placing you on the changing pad and getting you dressed in the tiny outfits we chose. I remember taking out the first newborn diaper we got from a freebie bag at the doctor's office & just laughing because it was so small. And then you were there, actually there, lying on the changing pad and those times we had imagined were happening. That changing pad was a good indicator of every growth spurt as your little legs eventually extended past the edge and onto the dresser.  And then one day, instead of carrying you and lying you down on it while I dried you off after your bath, you asked to walk to your room. You held the edge of your towel and walked down the hallway while I followed. You sat on the bed and put your pajamas on by yourself while I just watched, trying not to provide too much help. Suddenly, the days of dressing you and changing you on that sacred spot were gone. It now just takes up space in your room. It’s time to let you have it as a toy for changing your baby dolls’ diapers. You are still in many ways a baby.....but not in this way any longer.

I guess I’ll go move it now......and then we can go pick out that lamp.

Love,

Mommy

Mothers- Real Role Models

Dear Olivia Marie,

It's Mother's Day and it's safe to say that in my brief time of mothering an easy(ish) only child, I do not have the wisdom nor experience to sum up what it means to be a mom in one lovely paragraph. But I have decided that being a mom for me can currently best be described as joyous agony. The pure love I feel for you is so heavy sometimes it hurts. I read a quote once that described having a child is to have your heart walking around on the outside of your body. That's true. Part of this weight of motherhood is the concern that as you grow up, you won't see yourself the way I see you. That you will look outside of yourself for role models and set yourself up for failure as you try to emulate a false perfection seen in celebrities. We all do it as young girls and it doesn't do us any good. 

In the spirit of Mother's Day, here is a little bit of information about who you are and where you come from. 

This is your NeNe. She raised three boys who are all very respectable men and responsible fathers. Your own daddy is such a great man because of this beautiful woman. She has an incredibly sweet spirit and loves her family like crazy. She knows what it means to sacrifice, to work hard for little money, and how to forgive. 

"NeNe" Donna

This is your DeeDee. She has the spirit of a mother and chose to use that spirit to care for her own mother when she became ill at far too young of an age. DeeDee stepped up to be a mother for her own. The love, care, and concern that mothers have for their children pours from her heart onto you and your aunts and uncles. 

"DeeDee" Dottie

This is your Grana. She raised five children and is an example of how motherhood doesn't end once the babies are grown. She is patient, loving, long-suffering, and a great story teller. She knows heartbreak and how to rise above it and become stronger and happier from the struggle. Your Grana believes that faith can get you through anything.....and it's a little difficult to disagree with her based on her track record of praying for things and then getting results. (For example, you exist) 

"Grana" Dana

You are also fortunate to have many great-grandmas. All of these women have worked hard to help support their families, lived through times of struggle and peace, and raised the people who raised the people who are raising you. 

Grandma Great Sandra

Great Grandma Bradley

                                                      

Grandma Great Betty

     

Great Grandma Jo

So you see, you don't need to look to outside sources for role models. When you look in the mirror, these are the women who shine through your eyes. These are women with strength, intelligence, love, patience, beauty inside and out, and you have their qualities within you. Realize that although you don't come from wealth and fame, you come from truth and faith and mothers who have, through their imperfections, lived lives of purpose. That's something to emulate. 

Love, 

Mommy 

                       

The light

Dear Olivia Marie,
 
Can you see it?
 
It's there in the distance.
 
It's a little closer today than it was yesterday.
 
It's the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
You see for a little over two years now, you have demanded requested my presence for every.single.thing you've done. This has involved me following you, carrying you, piggybacking you, sitting with you, playing with you for two solid years. You are now able to cutely request that I "hold you me" or "show me mommy", which is preferable to the fussing sound you used to make. However, two years is a bit of a stretch for the constantness with which you have wanted me next to you.

But this morning.....

This morning you asked for water. I explained that your water cup was in your bedroom and that you should go get it. AND YOU DID. Without asking me to come with you! Without asking me to "show me mommy"! Without fussing because the light was off. Without asking me to assist in any form or fashion. You just looked at me, said "Ok, mommy", went into your room and brought your cup out and said "I found my water."

It's the littlest things that remind me that this uberdependant stage is passing and before I know it, you'll be far less interested in what I'm doing and far less interested in having me tag along with you.
When that day comes, I'm certain that I'll miss your little voice asking me to "come with me, mommy." I'm equally certain that I'll enjoy listening to you play by yourself in your room while I get ready for work in the morning, instead of asking you to please stop standing on my feet while I'm drying my hair.

That light is getting closer. But for now, I'll get back to enjoying the ride through the tunnel, even though some of the tiles are dirty. It really is a miraculous feat of engineering.

Love, Mommy

Snowed in (aka: Baby stuff is boring)

Dear Olivia Marie,

You have changed me as a person in many ways- physically, emotionally, and mentally (weaning off the anxiety meds as we speak). However, you have not altered who I am cognitively....and for that reason this has been a rough stretch of time because we’ve been snowed in for two weeks. You are too little to build a snowman (cue the Frozen soundtrack) so we haven’t been able to really enjoy the flakes.

So we have stayed inside the house playing with your toys (and other non-toy items you come across).

I take great pleasure in watching you play, master new tasks, show curiosity at every new thing and explore the world, but at the same time I have trouble get past my own boredom at repeatedly labeling the people in the family pictures you like, stacking the plastic colored rings, and giving piggyback rides every 3 minutes.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night thinking you should have at least a few hours of sleep left, but when you look at the clock there’s only 10 minutes until the alarm goes off? Of course you don’t yet, but you will......It’s a feeling of your stomach sinking a little. That’s the same feeling I got yesterday when I realized we were only on the Lion page of Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?  while reading it for the third time back to back. There are still 8 freaking animals left?!?! Ugh. But, I plowed ahead and you loved it. And I love you, so if that’s what you want to read again today, I’ll do it.  But I will be bored.

Now don’t get me wrong- YOU are not boring and I’m not wishing away this part of your life, but I am looking forward to the time when your preferred activities are a little more stimulating for yours truly. Maybe you will be into boy bands......that would be fun.  But for today, I will choose to embrace this moment of monotony by building yet another Lego tower for you to take apart. You are imitating your dad by groaning every time you bend down to pick up blocks that fall, and that’s flipping hilarious. 

Gifts of 2014

The holidays are over! It's a relief in a way...no more anxiety inducing family events, no more budgeting for gifts that we are obligated to purchase, no more big dinners full of carbs and sugar, no more singing along to the creepiest of all holiday tunes: Baby It's Cold Outside (If you have to ask your date "What's in this drink?", it's probably a red flag & you should head home to where your father is pacing the floor) 

My little family of three was blessed to have received many thoughtful and generous gifts for Christmas. While we are very thankful for those tangible and useful items, I have been thinking about some of the other gifts we were given throughout this year. Gifts in the form of advice, time, thoughtfulness, etc have really been life-changing. We all made it through 2014 because of the following:

1) Maternity and Paternity Leave

2) The End of Maternity Leave

3) EAP services

4) The Sleepeasy Solution

5) Support from family and friends

Chris and I waited a long time to have a child. (Reasons will be discussed in a future post) Because of this, we both had a large amount of paid sick leave built up and were able to be at home with our newborn for a while without the stress of financial hardship on top of everything else. Chris was home for a month and I was home for 3 months with our pink bundle of poop, pee, & spit up joy. It was plenty of time for bonding and we eventually settled into a bit of a routine. The time allowed breastfeeding to become a natural process for both of us and there was an easy transition to pumping and bottle-feeding before our uninterrupted time together ended.  That is a season in our lives that we will never have back, and I am grateful for the gift of those three months. 

On the final night of maternity leave, I popped a bottle of bubbly (don't worry, I researched the allowed amount of alcohol for a breastfeeding mother before I drank it) and the next morning I went to work with a spring in my step. We were very blessed with our childcare situation and I had absolutely no worries about leaving my girl for 8 hours. Yes, I cried the first two days if anyone mentioned "how hard it must have been to leave", but it was more that I missed my baby and not because I was sad to be at work. I felt (and still feel) no guilt for not being a "SAHM". My job is one of the only ways I maintain a halfway decent level of sanity. The change in scenery, the use of my brain for something other than my child, and the adult interaction with my co-workers/friends is so important for my health and happiness. Being a teacher makes me a much better parent. Quality over quantity I say! Plus my schedule still allows me a whole lot of quantity....

During maternity leave, I was not at the top of my game. I thought for a while that I was feeling blue and listless because I was sleep deprived and having trouble adjusting to motherhood, or perhaps it was because of the cold weather and being stuck inside most of the time. But after I returned to work and the weather warmed up, I realized that I was starting to feel worse. Thankfully, Chris made a few calls and found out that I could take advantage of the EAP services through our insurance. I was able to have 6 completely free therapy sessions through which I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Treatment through meds and therapy was the ticket, I am feeling much better at the end of 2014.

Olivia did not sleep well for the first 9 months of 2014. Naps and night were difficult for us all. We had to hold her for all of her naps.... yes, she would only sleep in our arms, for 45 minutes at a time. At night she woke up to eat every few hours, and in between feedings if her pacifier fell out, we had a few seconds to pop it back in before she woke up. We tried many techniques and found a few solutions, but nothing made a huge impact on the amount of sleep we were all getting or on her cranky mood. Thankfully, one of my friends suggested I try reading and applying the rules in the book The Sleepeasy Solution. That suggestion changed our lives! The first day of summer break, we began the program and within a week, we were able to lay Olivia down in her crib without any fuss and she slept for her naps and night....just like the book promised!! I still had to feed her a couple of times during the night until the end of September because of her size, but not anymore! She is now a great napper and sleeps for around 11 hours at night. 

I know that in the grand scheme of things, the struggles I experienced this year were not that bad. I didn't experience any tragic losses, no major health issues, or insecurities with employment. It could have been way worse. I am aware of all of that. Still, many of my days were dark and this was a hard year. A countless number of my moments were made better by the love and support of my incredible husband, who never complained about his shell of a wife and took the steps required to get the help I needed. My awesome mom left her vacation in OBX to come take care of me when I called her in the middle of an anxiety attack and later helped get me through many potential ones over the phone. Others shared their own stories of how tough the transition to motherhood was for them, and just knowing that I wasn't alone helped get me through to the other side. The love and support from my family and friends are true gifts that can never be repaid, but I will re-gift them if the opportunities ever come up. 

I am feeling optimistic for 2015. I hope that you are as well. Tonight I will pop another bottle of bubbly....and this time I can drink as much as I darn well please! Happy New Year! 

Here we are during the first month of 2014!

Here we are during the last month of 2014!

The last page in the baby book

I have been a fairly consistent an occasional updater of the baby book. The main points have been filled in, mostly because I haven't had to do the page on teething or hair cuts, so the load was lighter. After carefully taping the pictures from her cake smash party in the appropriate section, I turned the page and came to the final part of the book with the heading A Letter to Your Child, followed by several lines in which to write anything that comes to mind. Talk about pressure! Is 3/4 of an 8x10 piece of paper enough to tell her everything I have to say?  I could write about my hopes and dreams for her future. I could write about the attributes I dream she possesses. I could write about the first year of her life. It was just too much, so I closed the book and walked away. It has popped into my mind several times over the last few days. Honestly, I could never write down everything I hope for her. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided that I could sum up very briefly what I want for her: 
Be happy. Be kind. Be appreciative. Don't be a ho. 
But since this is going into the baby book, it should be fluffier than that. So, this is what I wrote:

Dear Olivia Marie,
You are my favorite person, other than your dad. Being your mother is my greatest adventure, one with twists and turns popping up just when I set the cruise. You are loved- unconditionally by me, purely by your father, intensely by your grandparents.  I can't wait to watch your personality develop, to hear your thoughts and observations on the world around you, to hear the sound of your voice when you sing your favorite songs in the car. You are still in many ways a stranger, but I have never known anyone quite as well as I know you.  
My job is to nurture you, provide for you, and prepare you to be a contributing member of society. In order to do this, you will be given discipline instead of bail outs. There will be times you don't like me much. Sorry, not sorry. 
Remember that your brain is not fully developed until you are 25, so try to refrain from permanent decisions (husband, tattoos, babies, etc) until after that time. Your decisions will affect me, because your health and happiness affect me. When major forks pop up in the road, use your gut to make the call on the direction you take. Your instinct is a gift and it's usually right. 
I pray you give love to and accept love from yourself, friends, family, animals and, one day when you are old enough, your soul mate (who I do believe exists). 
Mistakes will happen. Many of them have the potential for life-altering consequences that don't appear positive, but it's not the end of the world. You can always recover if you choose to. You will probably hear that "everything happens for a reason". I'm not sure that I believe this, but I do believe that sucky stuff happens & you can choose to respond to it in a positive way (after allowing yourself to be angry about it for a little while). 
While I am writing this, you are a toddler asleep in your crib. I know that the time I have to raise you will go quickly even though many of the days will seem long. Even in the hardest of times, I will always be happy in the deepest part of my soul that you are part of my life. 
I love you,
Mommy

And yes, it was too long!